crazy shit about me

I havent written on this blog thing in ages, its crazy! I was going to write a few weeks ago I think, but the computer crashed and I lost like 1000 words. Gutted.

Not much has changed, well actually, alot has changed. I am allmost 16, sounds like nothing, but that means im leaving school for good. I can't wait. I don't know how many piercings I had the last time I wrote, but now I have 8. Theyre so so addictive. The last 3 I had within 5 weeks of each other. It sounds stupid but I think theyre pretty. Each to their own.

I have now, my ears, (one of which is a 6mm flesh tunnel[only small]), cartillage (top of ear), nose, lip, tongue, belly button and anti-belly. Its the bottom bit of the belly button like an upsidedown version.

Gah im bored now. I might write soon, but I probly won't, do I ever? I have missed you guys :] xxx

Everthing is anoying. Everything is pissing me off. Im so upset at the moment, it breaks my heart beacause I want to achieve somethings in life, but I really really hate school and its making me depressed again. I feel so sad because I shouldnt be sad, its not right for me and its making me ill.

I needed to complete my coursework a few weeks ago, having needed like say 3 more pages to do. My friend had only done about 3. The teacher didnt give a flying fuck about her. NO. Everybody is ganging up on me and my twin sister and its really really unfair.

Today I got shouted at by my sisters health and social care teacher because she hasnt been doing her work. Someone told me that I should be doing the work thinking I wasm my sister and practically every single teacher knows that she hasnt been doing her work. I think its unfair because I do try and do mine, yet everybody thinks we are joined at the hip and that I have to make her do it. People shout at me because of her and I think thats predjudice and evil, people are talking about her. Everybody is talking about her to other people when they have no right to do so. The teachers in my school are cowardly and vindictive, spreading rumours and assuming we are lowlives. I am struggling at school, so might be my sister, it doesnt mean that only us are. Nobody cares to help us at all. I feel so stressed out by my school at the moment. Im stressed out by everything. I really really really feel angry and I just want to curl up in a bubble and float away into the cold starry sky. Im pissed off at everything and I think that the school system in England is fucking discusting. It really does need sorting out. I just feel sorry for all the younger children that have to suffer hours and hours of essays and work and pressure laid on by teachers...I CANNOT WAIT to leave.

Oh my God. I cannot believe im writing my blog. I havent written in this in ages, 30 days I think. Or its been 30 days since I logged in.

Last time I wrote, I was really messed up, suicidal infact. Im trying to make sure I dont feel like that again. Its aweful it really is. I have a boyfriend though! Aha, he is the only thing at the moment that keeps me feeling ok. Im so glad I found him though, because the week I started going out with him was the week I took an overdose. I was feeling really ill on the night we met, where I live people usually hang out at a place where bands go ect. And I wasnt going to go, but I plucked up the courage and went. Yay for me because I got with Dale (= . I think were happy together. We can talk about everything, and hes taking me to the pictures as a Christmas present. How sweet is that? Im still unsure about what to buy for him like..Ahh well, I have 27 days to decide.

Anyways, It feels strangly good writing on here. Like, im home or something. I kinda needed to write to be honest. I love it actually (=. I feel like such a freak for saying all the crazy shit I did before....Can't change anything, and I dont regret a thing.

Anyhow. Byee =) Much love anyone who reads this xx

Im really getting scared now =[

I didnt want to go to school yesterday, so my mum let me stay home. I was feeling very depressed about things that have happened recently. To make myself look ill I took 16 ibuprofen. I am now regretting this as I have severe adominal pains and I feel really sick. I couldnt sleep last night because of the pain. Will I die because of this? And is there anything I can do to make the pain go away. Im scared I dont want to tell my mum. Please help me.

One night a guy & a girl were
driving home from the movies. The
boy sensed there wassomething wrong because of the painful
silence they shared that night. The girl then asked the boy to pull over
because she wanted to talk. She told him that her
feelings had changed & that it was time to move on.
A silent tear slid down his cheek as he
slowly reached into his pocket & passed her a folded note.
At that moment, a drunk driver was speeding down
that very same street. He swerved
right into the drivers seat, killing the boy.
Miraculously, the girl survived. Remembering the note, she
pulled it out & read it.
"Without your love, I would die."

Just a little story about nothing really, I kinda have to explain this to someone so they know why im holding a 'grudge'.

Dear X

When my dad died, I felt lonley and I craved the love and affection of a male person, this wont mean anything to you, as nobody really understands at all. When he died I felt like he betrayed me and that he didnt need me/want me. This made me very upset...I started going out with you, my first real love, you kindof filled the gap of a missing male in my short life. If you understand. Anyways, I loved you, I did really much so, and when you dumped me, without reason this brought everything about my dad flooding back. He died and I didnt know why, you made me feel like a lost child again and I hated you for that. I know you probly didnt know this, I just want you to know that you didnt make me feel very good at all. In fact I used anger to lash out on you, holding so much stress made me ill, im not even sure If I will recover. Having you let me go was like loosing you whole family. You were the only person in my life I cared about, I tried to block out the pain with your love and I feel bad that you had to make my life a living hell. I just hope that nobody else has to go through this pain, your future girlfriends/wife? Please just promise me that you will come out of this a stronger person and put the past behind you, like I have tried to do so many times before. x

I know you love mcfly, the band, as do I (im guessing you do...). Anyhow, as queer as it sounds, who has their adress? Like, so I can send them fan mail and shit. Google is a bitch for finding shit, honestly. Sooo like, if you know anyone with it or something, I really wanna send them a gay obsessed fanmail. Ty your awesum! (obv we have the same frickin taste in music and hot guys...)

I'm feeling kinda like, depressed again. Don't really wanna say why but I know that boys are fucking bastards. I just wanna curl up in bed and stay there forever. I wanna curl up and die so I dont have to face the earth. I can feel a weight, and its really heavy upon me. Its harder to lift than I can imagine, and it hurts when I try and fix it. I can hear white noise in my head and I want the pain to stop. I have the knotted stomach sick feeling to be honest...

The other day, we went to Newcastle. And I got squilions spent on me, like loads and loads. I am truly gratefull, but now I want to go to Blackpool Pleasure beach by train with a load of friends. I can't really ask my mam, because I know she will either say no and I wont go. OR she will say yes and will end up giving me loads of money.

I need a job, that way, I can go and pay her back, or pay my own way there. If anyone knows anyone in northwest england, preferably south cumbria, with a job available...Then I want it!! I might be away next wednesday, and for two weeks in August, but other than that, I can work. I really need some money to fund my summer fun. Im only 15 but im hardworking and will try and work any hours.