See you smiling everyday
Hide the way I feel
Want to tell you everything
But my lips are sealed

Loving you with all my heart
But you will never know
Feelings for you are locked away
Hope they never go

I never cease to be amazed
By how beautiful you look
How my heart will suffer in silence
Because of a chance I never took...

--I love this poem soo much, I dont have a clue who wrote it, not me obviously, I think its really sweet...--

Whats the tagged thing all about?

Ill just write words and shit anyways...(7 random facts)...

1.I have an identical twin sister who looks hardly anything like me and im not sure if we are propper identical or not.

2.My dogs name is Kipper

3.I know all the words to all the Mcfly albums...

4.My favourite number is 3

5.I can scream louder than a baby

6.I went to Paris last june

7.It is my birthday next saturday on the 2nd June..

Dont have a clue what to say next... I guess those facts were pretty lame, if you need to know more, meh just ask. I think I should say tagged or something now? Yeh, I just said it, so yea...I have more interesting facts, honestly...Just cant think of them..

Who'd have thought, that a 14 year old girl was the star of her grandmothers funeral? Definetly not me, me of all people.

Today was the most randomest day in the whole entire history of forever, fact! First of all, starting off yesterday :S I know, confusing, anyways. I went to my aunties house, to have a little, family gathering, and I got offered some rose wine. I only had two or three glasses, but I started getting tipsy. Then, me and my cousin tried this drink called something like 'Golshlager', it contains real bits of paper gold. It burned my throat like hell. Then, we had two glasses of JackDaniels and coke, that didnt taste so nice, but I drunk it anyways. Then, after ariving home, I went out around the streets, just near our house with my brother and other cousin, and drank most of a can of beer. By this time I was well and truly shit faced. I couldnt really walk, and my inner most secrets were being spread accross the nation.

Anyways, enough of my shinanigans, back to today, the worst funeral ever. Im not being disrespectful to my nana, but I didnt want to get up. I felt rough as arseoles. I didnt have a headache, I just had the most discusting sickly feeling in my stomach ever ever ever. I carried the feeling out untill I was sick outside. I was then sick a little bit before we got into the taxi to go to my nanas house, then I was sick at my nanas.

I thought, that I would be okay, oh no, oh ffing noway. I was in the hearse, the funeral car at the back. With my auntie and uncle, my sister brother and niece. The rumbling stared in my stomach, then the throat feeling. The sick was coming and I couldnt stop it. I felt aweful, I was sat, in a big black car on my way to my grandmothers funeral, and I was about to spew up all over my outfit. I shouted to my brother, for him to open the window. I had to do it, I was about to be sick out of a funeral car. The window was open, and my stomach compressed, fuelling a whole pile of sick to go out of the window. I didnt really give a fuck if anyone was watching me. The car had a tiny bit of it on the door. I felt aweful, I was trying to respect the life of my nana and this is what happned. I was sick out of the car. Of course I felt fine afterwards, because I had just spewed the alcoholic goodness all over a big black car.

I was shocked at myself, for doing something soo wrong. Also, for some reason we were all sat in the back, laughing. Thinking about how at least our car was the last one, in a row of others. We arived, and luckily there wasnt much sick on the side of the car, I wiped most of it off, when my head was hanging out of the window.

That was probly the third in a whole day of being sick, this has to be one of my worst ill days ever.

Also, last week, I planned on getting my nose peirced, but the woman wasnt in, and would only be in today and tomorrow. It was about 1 oclock (in the day), and everyone had eaten and drunk some at the 'after do'. I asked my mother if I could get my nose peirced, Im almost certain, it was neither the place, nor time to do this, but yeh oh well. My loverly auntie Biffy took me into town, and even payed for me to get a nose stud, as it is my birthday next saturday. It hurt a tiny bit, and it doesnt hurt when I dont touch it, but If I push it, or flare my nostrills it hurts, and it feels uncomfortable when I try to itch my nose.

I know that, I will never ever ever forget what happened today. I woke up with a discustingly terrible hangover, I spewed up from the window of a hearse, went to a funeral, had a little party, got my nose peirced met some people and fucked off back home. I think that, the worst thing about today is, that the only reason people will remember this funeral, is because I was sick. I feel sooo bad for my nana, I hope somewhere that she doesnt mind what I did. And that she knows It was for a good cause. To her, as last night I had the most amazing party ever in her honor.

R.I.P Nana, you seriously rock, I guess that I made your funeral very memorable, in many ways than one. Please dont worry about us down here, we are fine, I know that I am okay. I dont want you to worry about how I am feeling at the moment. I want you to send a message to your family telling them that you are okay. Please know that we are okay and our lives are our own. Love you loads.

Post mortam revealed...My nana had died from multiple organ faliure caused by heart disease, and had suffered two strokes a few months ago which fazed out the part of her brain that helped her to walk. Even if she was fine, she will have never recovered propley, and would be wheelchair bound. Its her funeral on friday, and thinking about it makes me feel sick, I hate the church, the chapel of rest. The thought of people looking at me, giving me the eyes, as if everyone is so hard done by, crying in my face, hugging me, telling me that everything will be allright. Which as I know very well, the loss of a loved one takes something from you away, and doesnt make anything allright. Nothing will be allright, all perfect. The old people will try to understand, they will act as if im just a child, and that I wont understand anything about death. The old people will look at me, as though im a hooligan. I will cry on Friday, the sound of sobbing fills me allready. There are only a few things left that make me feel hopefull.

A few months ago, my auntie 'suposidly' phoned my nana a few times one night, and as my nana found it very hard to walk, when she did answer the phone there was nobody on the other line. It wasnt a prank, there was just nobody on the phone. The other day, my auntie was sat at home, and asked for a message, asking if her mum (my nana) was up there and if she was okay. A few minutes later, the phone rung, and when my auntie answered nobody was on the other line. This carried on untill 11 oclock.

Two days ago, my family was argueing about which song to play at the end of the funeral. Only two people wanted ''allways look on the bright side of life'' to be played. As a humerous one. Nobody else did. The same auntie, was looking at cards in a shop for her sons birthday and picked one up to look at. When she opened it, a cd fell out, so she picked it up, and it was monty pythons ''allways look on the bright side of life''. Strange...

Today, I was soo angry. Some guy was pissing me off, then someone went and pushed him, so he headbutted me. I stood up, and told him what I thought of him. I cried out loud, not because of the physical pain, because of the emotional pain. Then him and the girl that pushed him, were laughing because I got angry. After people coming up, like, oh you okay? I was just sat there, and the guy came over and said sorry after someone told him to. And he was like, im sorry tell me whats wrong.

And I was crying like..''My nanas just died.''

He was shocked, and im glad because he was being a bastard. Also, my ex-boyfriend told my friend he wouldnt give a fuck if I was dead. And I didnt know he was behind me, but I choked out ''He said..he..wouldnt give..a fuck if I was dead''. Everyone around me was shocked, I was like woop go me. Even though he said he said he didnt say it, when it was very obvious that he did say it. Seriously some people are so imature, I cant even understand why somebody would be so mean to me concidering my situation. I know this is being a bit of a hypocrit, but I couldnt give a fuck if he was dead either, in fact I wish that he was dead...

If you were a stranger, with a knife in your hand
And you hurt so many, with intention to kill,
I wouldnt wish this pain, on noone on the land,
Not even an addict, with the miss use of pills

Nobody deserves this, my family and not me,
The death so raw, so fresh in my mind,
Ive seen funerals 4 in short years 3,
Not long, it will be five.

I cant bear the tears and the unmistakeable grief,
My family, crying and sobbing aloud,
The berevement, still healing, from everything,
Im 14, and im still standing proud.

R.I.P-Nana Elsie xxx
R.I.P-Auntie Kath xxx
R.I.P-Dad xxx
R.I.P-Jackie xxx
R.I.P-Nana Sue xxx

Rest In Piece, Angels above,
This poem, to you, I send my love,
Rest In Piece, Long lost friends,
Your life has come to an end.

My brother has just got off the phone with my uncle, and has found out that my Nana just died. Why me, why does this pain happen to me.

My nana is SERIOUSLY ill in hospital, she had a stroke last night, and had another one this morning. Im not sure how long she has left, none of the 'children' are allowed to go see her though. Ive havent seen her since January, and I have never heard of her being in so much pain. I hope she gets better, its like a vicious circle.

It reminds me of when dad was ill, he was just ill at first, then he got really ill, and then...he died. Its the same thing, and I know this is going to happen and I cant prevent it. It is a scary thought, and I feel soo weired about it.

MSN is fucked right up, I was trying to talk to my boyfriend, and it was saying ''message could not be delivered''. He was just like..okay I have to go, and I couldnt say goodbye. It makes me feel sick with pain because I havent spoken to him in ages. And another thing that makes me feel bad is, theres this girl I dont talk to very often, but is v.good mates with my v.good friend. I like her, and dont mind talking to her, its just her friends I dont like. I found out today, that she has some medical condition, and is expected only 3 years left to live. Now I feel really bad for her, because I wish that was me with the condition, Im not even sure if she has it, its just suspicions from the docs...

I had a two hour exam today, luckily I only finished about 20 mins before, so I wasnt sitting around for ages, I did also realise, at the end, that I didnt do the last two answers in 'continuous prose'. First of all, I was like WTF WTF WTF, I didnt know that it ment, answer the two questions together. So when I realised this, 15 mins before the end, I just sat back..and waited. I didnt bother correcting it, It would have just fucked up everything, soo.. I have like..probly gotten myself an F. The test was for like, 'brainy' or like over acheiving pupils, I dont have a fucking clue why I got picked.

I cried myself to sleep last night,
The pressure building up,
Everything just isnt right,
And I am feeling rough,

The sound of laughing in my mind,
The people that smile and joke,
Im crying in my bed again,
My tears they make me choke,

I know that people think im sad,
Because I talk about my pain,
And I know that this sounds bad,
But Grans in hospital again,

Pretty soon shes gonna die,
Im sure that ill be sad,
But nothing in the world compares,
To the loss of my dad,

I love her so with all my soul,
And hate to see her in pain,
To see her once more is my only goal,
If I never saw her again,

At the time im writing this,
I know shes there on her own,
The hospital it smells of piss,
But pretty soon, she will be gone.

Love you loads Nana, I don't want to put an evil eye on you, please get better soon xxxxx :'[

Desperate Corporate Slogans
Nike: Just Do It Already.
McDonalds: I’m Really Really Lovin’ It. Seriously.
Lays: Betcha Can’t Eat Just One! Okay, Double Or Nothing!
Quiznos: Mmmm… Toasty. Ugh! So fucking good.
Nike: Did you do it yet?

I have depression. I think I do, im not just saying I feel 'depressed', because im a little bit sad. I am really sad. I am sure I have some of the symptoms, and I have my reasons to be sad. I just dont have a clue who to talk to. I hate telling people how I feel, I have contacted the samaritans (stupid, I know) and they emailed me for a while, but they piss me off, they didnt give me any answers, just questions. Im sooo confused...

I walked outside, with tears in my eyes,
The image of you, still fresh in my mind,
Not one single day, passes me by,
That I dont miss you like crazy.

Someone said I was stupid today,
That being naive, made me this way,
I was shocked, didn't know what to say,
And they laughed, because you were dead.

When I am alone, up in my room,
Feel as lost as a baby, not in a womb,
Some days I feel sick, from missing you,
The grieving hurts soo bad.

When I am not happy, which isnt rare,
I do often feel as though nobody cares,
But I do know, you are up there,
And that you dont want me unhappy.

I am glad you were here, for a short time,
To bless my life, for you were all mine,
Im sad that your gone, but I feel alright,
Because now you are an angel.

Erm, I just want to say, that for all the people that comment telling me im 13 and that I should grow up, that you should fuck off.

I have my own problems, and im not 13, im 15 in a few weeks. I dont HAVE to grow up because somebody told me too, I highly doubt a kid will try and kill themselves, I didnt try to kill myself that day. I just felt like overdosing. Please dont give me 'constructive critisism' telling me that im 13. You don't know how it feels!! IF you do want to diss me, go ahead, I just dont think its right assuming im an imature freak. I may be a little bit freaky, but I do know whats what, im not going to fucking stab myself to death or anything, although it sounds like a pretty good idea at the moment. I mean, whats the fucking point in saying that im 13. Its quite funny actually but im sure my age will show up on my profile? And it says that im 14, who gives a fuck how old I am? Please stop patronising meee and mind your fucking own. I might post how im feeling on this but you dont have to comment, telling someone to grow up and saying that isnt nasty, its trying to help. Thats just stupid. Don't expect me to post anymore on this.

ive only had 6 painkillers, thats all we had, and a few gulps of red square(alcohol drink for you that dont know) my eyes are very blurred, and my head is all fucked up

I feel a bit strange, no more pain. So I can self harm, yay me.,

Lets enjoy our lives,
And eat green apples,
Lets wish on the stars,
And have some fun,

For we are the children,
Our life is a gift,
Lets never be angels,
And dance in the sun,

When you were younger,
We played games,
Now that were older,
We play none,

You are my friend,
My soul and life,
I a person was needed,
You'd be the one.

What do you mean?
You're not coming back,
I cannot understand,
Why you would do that,

I know your unhappy,
But for you to leave,
Would distress me imensley,
And multiply my fears,

And now I feel foolish,
For holding you back,
From expressing your emotions,
When you felt sad,

I didnt respect you,
When you were mad,
And now your depression,
Is turning bad,

To me you are a sister,
And my bestest friend,
I don't want you to bring,
Your life to an end,

Im filled with emotion,
And hurt from your pain,
I dont want to see,
That look on your face,

I know your unhappy,
Let me say this to you,
If you left me now,
Id have to come too.

You guys say how I have people to talk to. Yeah, I have people to 'chat' to. Its really hard for me to tell anyone how I feel. Because they just act shocked, and don't really help me at all. I dont want to tell anyone how I feel, Its not a nice feeling.

Im gonna do it. I don't want to live anymore, everything in my life seems to be okay, for the people looking onto me. But now, I have a sick feeling in my throat, and im exited to finaly accend to heaven. And to see my dad. I dont know when im going to do this, but I feel like I have to start writing my suicide messages to the people I love.
I know for a fact that a letter will not compare to a friend/daughter/sister, but I have an unmistakable amount of grief and pain over my shoulders and this is the only way for me to relive it. Ill probly take an overdose, shoot myself, something. I dont know when im going to do this, but if anyone wants to come and do a suicide pact with me you are very welcome! Please feel free to comment if you want, I am happy to accept you oppinion. Ill see you in heaven. xxx

THIS WEEK

Monday 30
Give cash-boosting some imaginative thought

Tuesday 1
Music has a message

Wednesday 2
Your cash concerns change

Thursday 3
You might feel like dumping him for no good reason

Friday 4
It's hard to find words, but try

Saturday 5
A goal makes you enthusiastic

Sunday 6
It's all about endings and beginnings at the moment

About dumping him, I dont know, I dont want to dump him, but I can imagine me doing it for no good reason...Im not going to. This is really scary, it makes me feel like we ARE going to split up now

Ive been kinda trying for a saturday job since December. It sucks, Im either too young, or I cant get a job because they dont need anyone. I could get one at the zoo, but its too far away, and they treat you like shit. Im gonna go to town this weekend and try and get a job before its too late. Because Im planning on saving enough money to go on holliday next year, either just to Blackpool or London, or both if I can afford it. My friend Joe desperatley wants me to go to Blackpool with him with a bunch of other people, but I duno if I can. I dont think that I could afford staying over night there AND spending money, like for shopping. I feel really imature, so im gonna be all growed up and get a job. Woop! Ya.. I know that Its not what you think, and that its hard work and all that, but for money, its worth it. Im gonna save it all up. And I could get some more for my birthday...

Im laughing and crying,
Emotions are blurred,
My family were dying,
And leaving the world,

How can you be happy,
When everythings sad,
People laugh at me,
When Im feeling bad,

I know this sounds stupid,
But please listen up,
I feel soo foolish,
My life is fucked up,

I have a boyfriend,
And friends at my door,
Happiness has no end,
I want more,

Without you im empty,
The puzzle not done,
Im not as friendly,
Without the one.

Everyone is politically correct, and everyone just HAS to be right. Im not one for hooligans, but I dont see the point in NOT using expressive language.

For some reason, today EVERYONE has had something against me. People at school, all you guys on this website. And It really makes me feel like crying, because everyone is soo mean. I dont see the point in not writing the word FUCK on my title. As far as im concerned I dont care what other people think, I used to like all you people on this website, but now everyone is just getting out of hand. Im probly the youngest person on this website, so I dont see why I cant swear, Its not as if the older generation will be shocked or whatever by my use of language. If they are shocked, then im sorry, Im sorry I was born. You dont have to come on this website, you dont HAVE to, so why complain about MY use of language. Who I am, Who is concerned with me or the way I like to speak, has nothing really to do with you at all. (the people who allways fucking complain about me). Please can you stop harassing me, and let me express myself by myself. This blog is the last thing that keeps me sain, there are only a few people on this world that keep me alive, and the blog people are not them. Today, I could have fucking killed myself, and eveyone else has to make it worse. Im not sure how I will go on anymore, but I suppose Ill have to stop writing on this blog. Because other people dont like me to express my emotions, say what i feel mean what I say. Some people dont want me to be one tiny bit happyer than I am any other times, Im sorry that you have to read my titles. What Im more concerned is, that you think that 8 y/o will access the internet, and if they do suddenly go on www.blog.co.uk and say oooh that says FUCK. Some 8 y/o know swears anyways. My blog does not allways have a ''fuck off'' attitude about it, but if you dont like it and feel the need to comment, then please FUCK OFF.

Also, If you dont like my blog, or that I say fuck/fucking, please dont tell me, go tell your friends or something. I dont really need to know about how you feel. As far as Im concerned my life is about me, and nobody else.

I am missing you more,
With each passing day,
I dont want to go on,
Please just let me say,

That you were amazing,
You were my rock,
I need you to stop me,
Going over the top,

The last thing you told me,
Was to keep holding on,
My tears they hurt me,
But I am being strong,

I need you today,
More than ever before,
Just living my life,
Is a slave laboured chore,

Im missing you more,
Now that your gone,
Its hard for me,
To want to go on..

Im a fucking hypocondriac. I feel tired, I have done all day. But If I said something to anyone they would assume im sayin im ill. Its like, I cant even say to anyone I have like a sore throat anymore beacuse they dont listen. Last year I had a frozen shoulder, and my mam was too lazy to take me to the doctors even though I was in agony. So I might assume that something bad is up, but when something really bag is going on, people arround me dont care. They dont even listen to me.