I just drank some coke, im soo stupid, and totally really fat omg im so depreesed..

I don't feel so good. Im still alive, which is amazing as I have only had like, one gulp of milk in two days, if not more so far. I feel very very tired, only a tiny bit more than usual. Its like, I go to sleep at 5-6ish, and I wake up the next morning. Sometimes I think that I should drink, and should try not to go to sleep. But then I think back to all the pain and suffering in my life, and how better off I would be dead. Or how people should know how I feel. Im not attention seeking, but I would like people to understand how I feel so they can help me in some way. Im really unhappy at the moment. I have to go to school each day, which makes me even more depressed. As sometimes I think about doing homework, or doing something, but I fall asleep and dont wake up till the next day. Giving me no time to do it. I have very little energy, I think that just walking around makes me tired. I dont do that much as im either sitting down or asleep. Life is very confusing to me, as I hardly keep track of time, or know what the time is, and its sometimes hard for me to notice the difference between dreaming and reality. I think things, like someone saying something to me, but I dont want to ask them if they said it incase I was just dreaming it. It feels like ive had no sleep at all for three months, even though Ive slept way too much. I have a headache, I am supposed to be going out later, but I dont really want to, as I will be to tired. Honestly, this whole day has gone soo slow, this day has felt like 6 in the morning the whole time. I cant hardly concentrate. I dont want to live anymore, nobody likes me that much, im not kidding. People diss me behind my back and it gets me down. I feel quite sick as well. Sometimes the thought of having to go to school makes me feel sick, I hate school. I dont have a fucking clue in the world why anybody would like it? I dont see why people say school is the best time of your life, because for me, school has been the worst experience ever. I am still in school, and during that time only bad things have happened to me, and im allmost certain more bad things for me are ahead. I just hope that I can survive long enough to have the courage to tell people how I am feeling. If I dont fall asleep and never ever wake up that is...

My friend's boyfriend dumped her, shes now extremley depressed and suicidal. She did try to commit suicide, this is why she is now alone in hospital. I feel so bad for her, I wish it was me in her situation. I am now a single person, which I hate. I hate the fact that I will never ever love him the way I did before.

I have found a new way of self harm, which I find easier, as nobody can tell that im doing it. Dehydration. I have only had one small drink of milk in two days. The odd thing is, I havent felt 'thirsty' at all, in fact the thought of drinking makes me feel sick. I think that If my friend feels suicidal, I will join her in a suicide pact. Im not sure she will want to do this though. I have a headache at the moment, I do feel quite sick, im glad. I want people to know how I feel.

Also my other friend has been diagnosed with epliepsy. I mean, reading back on all the stuff Ive said, it allmost sounds as if Ive made it up. But I havent, I wish that my friends were not in pain, and that they were free and happy.

No comment, I write a blog thing again, NO FUCKING COMMENT. I have resined myself to the fact that nobody will ever comment, because maybe they have no reason, or maybe I moan a hell of a fucking lot. Its just kinda sad, that the one place I try to say everthing, release all everything im feeling into writing and words and letters, Its sad that nobody really acknowleges this? Its a tad confusing. I feel that only by being really happy, or really really fucked up in my ownself to make people comment. In fact now it sounds like im begging someone to comment, I am actually alive...I hate everything, I might not write on this anymore. If I do killmyself you guys will be the first to know. I will tell you before hand obviously...but yeh, I feel like telling someone but I dont really know how...

I got allmost all 4's and 5's in my school report. 5 being the best. Unfortunatley I did get one 2. That was because of problems with my math homework, also with problems at home. Today my sister got a certificate and a fuckoff letter telling my mam how amazing she is at school. I would just like to say, that she has had several letters home regarding missing homework. And I have had NONE. She has mislead her health and social care coursework. I allways complete my art work, and I try my very best to do all my homework. I am very extremley completley upset about this. I dont even feel happy for her. I feel sick with emotions, it feels like nothing I can do is right. All the teachers suck her arse, when I do good things, nobody cares, they suck off all the dumb people. It really does make me feel sick. The thought of people ignoring me, when I do really try to hide my emotions, and suck in all the pain, and do my best in lessons when I feel really crappy. The thought that people dont give a fuck about how I feel and would rather give out meaningless certificates to fucking bastards that dont deserve them. I have only had one bottle of sparkling water today and I am really really really thirsty. There are no cups at home at the moment, because of certain issues and stuff like that, and there are no drinks. The thought of staying with a dry throat in bed one more night makes me feel really really sick. If only not drinking could make you skinny, I wouldnt drink ever again. I really need to loose weight. I also have sick pseriosis on my legs and it looks disgusting. BLEUGH...

I ran upstairs before to grab something from my room, and when I walked out of the door I suddenly went all dizzy and my eyes went all fuzzy. It was really strange! I thought I was going to fall over but I didnt really care and carried on walking. I thought about the fact that I could have possibly fell down the stairs but I ran down anyways.

Here is another funny story:-

My auntie and uncle are making a shop, and they were fixing it up today. My uncle was clmbing up a ladder and he didnt realise there was a nail above his head and he just banged into it. My auntie described it as hammering the nail with his head. He was fine after it though haha.

Another thing, I just saw this guy on tv doing an interview about his band and music when his fone starts ringing. He slowly pulls it out of his pocket and looks at the screen whilst still talking. Suddenly he says ''Scouse Tony!'' Exitidley, he opens his fone and answers ''Hello mate im just on telly''. I think this is really amusing, as the screen cuts off just after. I dont know why but I am writing random blogs at all hours. It seems to have been 12-58 for about 3 minutes :S Anyways I have another thing. For some reason everyone in the whole world hates me. Because whatever I post on this nobody comments. Which is pretty ironic as most of it is complete shit anyways. But I havent had a comment in ages. Haha, actually I dont care, I dont comment on anyone else to be honest. I do sometimes but thats if I really feel the need to. As most people think im an imature freak.

Actually, I feel like staying up all night, like I did last time. But It gets a pretty cold, and boring. I also feel quite tired. But I was talking about this to a friend a while ago. Sometimes, when you lie in bed, you seem like too tired to sleep. Its as if you eyes are really heavy and you need to go to sleep but your brain is alive and you cant switch off. Confusing I know. I probly am going to go now. Yea thats mee, im off..ARrrrr I hate school, the thought of it makes me feel physically pukeworthy.

Personality Description

To begin the analysis, the first aspect of the handwriting to consider is the flow. Some handwriting is rigid and taut, as if the forward movement of the pen has been restrained, while other script has great flow, fluency and vitality. This handwriting adopts the middle line between these two extremes. The subject has carefully maintained a style which achieves a middle ground between complete freedom and total control. This reflects a desire to avoid extremes, and it is also likely to reveal itself in other aspects of her life. She may tend to adopt either a controlled and conformist attitude or, equally, may choose to follow a freer, less conformist lifestyle. Which course is adopted will very much depend on the circumstances at the time, and is never likely to be as extreme as would be found in individuals with fully restrained or released script. Thus, the subject is flexible and adaptable to the demands of a particular situation in a way that other types of writers would find almost impossible.

The pressure used throughout the script is average in intensity, indicating that the subject is able to maintain a balance between too much activity and too great a degree of lethargy. As a result, she lacks the intense drive and enthusiasm shown by writers with heavy pressure, but will be equally tolerant of inactivity in those who use a lower pressure in their script. She will be good at working methodically at the more routine tasks.

The subject has a signature that is smaller than 85% of the population, and as a result does not have a very high opinion of herself preferring to avoid the limelight whenever possible.
She often has self-doubts in her abilities and appears to lack confidence.
Although she may enjoy the benefits of high status, if the role is forced upon her , she is unlikely to seek acclaim and attention. She is more modest than a writer with a big signature and can accept criticism more readily.
This characteristic also ties in with a submissive personality (see below).

Some of the capital letters in the script are smaller than the other ascending letters, indicating that the subject has a mildly submissive personality.
This ties in with the small signature and shows that she may be somewhat more timid, cautious and passive than most.
As a result she may find it quite hard to develop relationships, and often yields to the desires of others rather than push her own needs. She will prefer not to argue if this means drawing attention to herself and causing a scene. She doesn't like to bargain and finds it hard to resist persuasion from others.
She may feel uncomfortable in the presence of those with more power or knowledge than she has. In the role of host she will find it difficult to liven up a party.
She finds that she is generally more easily dominated, and will probably go along with the wishes of a more assertive person rather than risk argument. She dislikes making decisions and often prefers to follow rather than to lead.

The handwriting shows a few signs of a perfectionist personality. Although generally more easy-going than the average person, the subject also seems more orderly and methodical, perhaps being a little over-concerned with small details, and fussy about trivial matters. She may sometimes seem undecided about the best course of action to take, and may appear to have some self-doubts.

Emotionally, the subject may have a tendency to worry more than the average person, perhaps appearing somewhat nervous and excitable. She may not only worry about everyday problems, but over extreme and unlikely events.

Some curtailment in the handwriting indicates that the subject may have trouble giving free vent to her emotions and feelings. Most times her emotional control is total and consistent. She may find it hard to make and maintain close relationships, and may even feel embarrassed when in the company of people who can readily display their emotions.
Because she feels incapable of expressing emotions, the subject will tend to remain calm and cool in situations which may cause others to panic. This is sometimes an advantage, but because she is unable to respond appropriately at times when deep feelings must be expressed, she tends to lack empathy.

There are some indications within the handwriting of compulsive behaviour.
Compulsiveness is an anxiety reducing strategy in which the subject makes a ritual out of many of the most trivial aspects of life. When attempting to solve problems which cause anxiety, she will attempt to do so by constant and repetitive efforts. This will be maintained, even if the problem turns out to be insoluble.
Such an exaggerated determination means that the subject is often regarded by others as being conscientious. However, because of these rigid problem solving strategies she finds it difficult to look at problems from a fresh angle and to consider a different method of approach. Often, this rigid problem solving procedure, whether at work or in personal relationships, is not an attempt to reach a solution but a defence reaction. Typical compulsions are checking the doors and windows a prescribed number of times each night, even if one check would be sufficient, worrying about 'bad' thoughts for fear that they will come true, and checking and re-checking every piece of work to avoid any possibility of mistake. All these, and many other forms of compulsive behaviour are best summed up as 'not being able to leave well alone'.
At present, the subject's level of compulsive behaviour is probably a mild inconvenience, but it could prove to dominate her existence. This should be taken as a warning sign to take life rather less seriously, to strive for less perfection, precision and order, and to relax more often.

There are a few indications in the handwriting that, at the time of writing, the subject was suffering from mild stress. This may be temporary, for example if she was upset, tired, or working against a deadline. However, the subject may be living at an unacceptable level of stress, one which is beginning to affect her physical well being.
These are warning signs in the handwriting, and indicate that the subject should pause and reflect on those aspects of her lifestyle which may be causing long-term difficulties. She should try to reduce them whenever possible, relax more frequently, check her diet, and perhaps take more exercise. Stress can be beneficial, but if allowed to get out of control, it may prove a hazard to mental and physical health.

I am sick and tired of stupid, tale telling, lying shitty little bastards. Especially the ones that are usually found wearing tracksuit bottoms and trainers.

I feel aweful, I would tell you the whole story but thinking about it makes me want to cry. Because Im a sad emotional bastard that cannot stand up and fight. Anyways, I said ''shes a bitch'' I dont even know why I said it but her friends, well they got their friends and their 'people' to come over giving me shit. They were complaning that I called the person a bitch and I dont know her, when I do know her. The girl had no problem with me saying this about her...But all her friends had started giving me shit, coming up to my face, allmost nose to nose shouting at me. When some of them called me a bitch, not that ANYONE of them know me at all. I dont see why I cannot call someone a bitch when they call me one.

At the moment, I dont trust anybody. I dont usually trust people anyways, but im angry and sad and extremley confused. I dont understand how thos shitty dirty chavs can give me shit when they dont know who I am. Just the thought of them makes me feel physically sick. This is bullying and I dont have a clue how to stop it. I have been bullied in my past, which is aweful. And I agree, I have probly been a bit bullying in my past. But I dont ever want anyone to feel emotional pain as the grief is so hard to deal with.

I really really really want to move, or move countries. So people can see me as who I am. Not some evil bitch with nothing else to do with my life. Because In my heart, I am nothing like that. Some people dont understand at all what the hell I go through every single day. It seems like everything I do is wrong. I dont know why I even went out, because when I do everything bad that happens, is usually directed at me. The otherday someone even said that they were leaving because of me, when they were the one that started on me and called me a 'dirty lesbian' when I know what sexuality I am.

I think that if I am depressed or if I feel bad any longer, I am going to find a bus and run into it. Even when I smile, my brain moves back to the bad times. Its so hard to forget. Its like a debt unpaid. I dont know what to do with my life anymore. I want everyone to back away and stop looking at me as if im a piece of shit.

Your BMI result is:

20.44

You are in the healthy weight range.

I dont fell like it, I might be a healthy weight, but all of it seems to be on my tummy. I know im fat, the BMI cant prove that im not fat. I am, and I would rather be stick thin and have a flat stomach than be healthy.
Seriously, I couldnt give a fuck if guys fancy curvacious girls. I dont really care for guys at the moment, they screw with your brain and cause heartache. I really want to be slimmer. When Im walking down the street I have to suck my stomach in a little bit. Even then I dont feel confident in my own body. I want to cut down on things I eat. I eat far too much food, and most of it is bad for me. Here is a list of things I eat, on a daily basis.

Breakfast:
Nothing most of the time, a biscuit or sweets usually.

Dinner:
Ham Sandwich with butter(soo fatty),a biscuit, cheese(really fat),packet of crisps(amazingly fat)

Tea:
Chips(I hate eating them, but I have to),Some vegetables, I cant say for sure as everyday is different.
Snacks:Everything, omg im soo fat.

Some days I really feel like eating nothing at all, I cant wait to move house to live on my own so I can eat nothing.

Also, sometimes I get allmost the opposite of diabetes. I eat loads of food, and hardly drink at all. I know, that thirst is often mistaken for thirst. But I dont understand, one day I had one drink and I wasnt thirsty at all. I had about three small drinks over a few days. Some times I only have one drink in the day. I also feel dizzy, this may be the cause of this, im not so sure, but I dont really feel thirsty so I dont see the point in drinking. I do know however, that the moment you feel thirsty you are allready dehydrated. I dont care to be honsest, I wouldnt care if I died of thirst, I would rather die from thirst or hunger and let one single deprived child live a life of happiness.

I know its your birthday, and I dont give a fuck,
To me you mean nothing, but I do wish you luck,
I want you to be happy, and to live well,
Just do one thing for me, please rot in hell,

I used to think of you, as my shining star,
But now you are evil, thats all you are,
Deceitful and stupid, a cowardly fool,
How could someone so pretty, be so cruel?

Your eyes they shine at me, and glisten all day,
You murdered my soul, I rotted away,
If you unhappy, and your feeling sad,
Think of me now, as I am glad,

Im not trying to offend you, just letting you know,
That I think your a bastard, for letting me go,
Im like a child, alone and scared,
I wouldnt feel like this, if you had cared,

Im starting to hate the world again. I have a boyfriend, who hardly ever talks to me. He lives really far away, so im very lucky if I get to talk to him once a week. It really chokes me up, because I allways feel as though he dosnt really care about me at all. He dosnt make an effort to contact me, he forgot it was my birthday and didnt give a fuck when I told him that it was. When I first started going out with him, he was all loved up, and obsessed over me. Now he doesnt talk to me. I dont want to break up with him, he is my only way of keeping sane. Although at the moment just thinking of him makes me breakdown. Sometimes I hate him, and detest him. I cant understand why everything has to turn sour for me. It makes me feel aweful. Sometimes, I get really confused. Because people complain if I do something wrong, if I look different, or If there is something I have done. If I try to change this, or make things better, which often makes me feel worse..people shout at me.

I think that self harm is a bad thing, I have done it in the past. Mainly attention seeking, because I want people to notice how I feel, and to try to help me. If I do this, people just complain and accuse me of being weired and stupid. What those people dont realise that self harm is like a drug. Like smoking. If you smoke, you are in reality self harming yourself and your body. Smoking is addictive, as is self harm. I think that depression and physical and mental pain is an aweful thing for someone to go though. Especially alone. Sometimes I feel that there is no way for me to turn, I dont want to scare people around me but I really dont want to live. I feel desperate and isolated. My life is getting me down, I feel guilty on most people for what I do wrong. And I know this sounds really really mean, but sometimes I dislike people who are ill, because they get a reason to be loved, and get reason for people to like them and speak to them. I dont even know sometimes why I write on this, it doesnt make me feel any better. Talking to people doesnt make me feel better. It feels as though some people have better things to talk about. I just hope to heaven that things with me and my bf (no names!) get better. The thought of breaking up with someone again makes my stomach flip. I just longed to be loved and for people to respect me for who I am and to help me. All I want is to feel happy with who I am, and for people to fuck off my case and to not try and put me down. However stong I am, or however happy I am there will allways be a little part of me that will never ever forget the bad things that happen, and when I feel unhappy, all the stupid things will replay over and over. I seriously need to get over this somehow...

I couldn't get to sleep last night. I longed away the hours with endless songs stuck in my head and thoughts of the new dawns arival. Today, I woke up. Thinking it was rather early, I didn't have a clock to hand, and I couldn't decide wether to get up or not. I got changed, making sure the rustling noises didnt wake any dormant relatives. I checked the time, and holy crap...It was 6:06. I thought it was early, but 6 oclock??? Now, I am changed, and I dont really feel tired. There must be some reason for this. Ahh yes, insomnia, oh its nothing really. I do actually feel a bit tired, and I do kinda wish I did stay in bed, rather than..Y'know get up. Oh well, Im awake now, and Im here to blab about erm..Nout really.

Wednesday night saw the party of the year, mine ofcourse. A Birthday party celebrating me and my twin sisters birthday(It is actually our birthday tomrrow). 15, its nothing. I dont know why we had a party. Just some mad plan I came up with in April or something. It was amazing, really fun. We had the party on Wednesday because the place we wanted it does things on Saturdays, like battle of the bands ect. Also, on Saturday night me my brother sis and my mam are going to see Brittish artist Calvin Hariss. IF you havent heard of him, hes the one that sings ''I got love for you, If you were born in the 80's..The 80's(Acceptable in the 80's)'' AND ''I get all the girls I get all the girls(I get the girls)''

Today is my cousins birthday, he lives in Scotland, I dont see him much, I did see him last week though. Tomorrow is my birthday, and my twin sisters. Please dont say that it is obvious im pointing out my sisters is on the same day as some twins have different birthdates. Also, tomorrow is my friend Joes birthday. He is gorgeous! I had to add that, but I feel somewhat privelaged to share the same day as him. I think he secretly likes it but im not sure.

Tomorrow,Me, My sister, My brother and My mam are all traveling on the train (woopie...) to Manchester. Its our birthday, and to make sure everybody in my path knows, im going to wear a badge that says 'birthday girl', and every now and then im going to sing the happy birthday song. I am also going to mention how good my 'birthday party' was, and how I hope to get alot of 'birthday cards'.
I dont even see the point in birthdays. What is the need in celebrating somebodys life, when you should say something like, ''Happy life bless you'' every day. My friend is a Jehovas Witness, and also doesnt celebrate birthdays. She did come to our 12th birthday though, because where we live, you can get limos, for kids parties ect, and we needed one more person to fill a space, and we only had a few friends...

Anyways, I am kinda excited about tomrrow, I dont know why, because I dont think my mam has gotten us a present, I know that the party was one, but she said that we can go on a shopping spree. I would rather have a few small presents to open in the morning, rather than looking round some shops for things I know I dont need. Most of which may be spent with my own money. I did want a phone. My mam gave me her old one in February, but it allways freezes, and has a crack down the front. It isnt very pretty anymore, it looks old. I want a new one, but I kinda dont really want to ask. I think I might be getting one, but Im not going to cry about it. It isnt as if I have the one of the crappest phones in the world. (Yeah it kinda feels like that). I could even donate my phone to charity, or recycle it...Maybe...

You know what I hate? I dont know why, but because of things on the news about Landrovers in cities polluting the planet. I kinda highly dislike them at the moment. Because, in a town, instead of helping poor ill or injurged sheep get home to Bo Peep, they just block roads
and anoy the crap out of me. Im not saying they are bad, but anything that heats up the world has to be evil. On the other hand, I know that cows produce carbon monoxide(ithink?) and therefore adds another chemical to the ozone. Anyways, I dont see the point in having a 4x4 if you live in a city. If you needed it to get alot of people around, you would use a people carrier no? If you needed it to carry animals around you would live in the country right?

-Sorry, I had this random thought I need to include...-

1 Sheep = Sheep. 2 Sheep = Sheep..Not sheeps.
1 Dear = Dear. 2 Dear = Dear..Not dears.

I dont know if you get my drift at the moment, but how come when you say Animals, as In more than one, you dont take away the S...So it becomes just Animal. Like for example. ''Hey, those animal sure are pretty to look at''

Anyways back to 4x4's. Im not totally disrespecting them, they may be good in someways to the environment. But sometimes the people that drive them piss me off. I have no reason to judge as I am only 15, but when they drive, and stop you from crossing the road. They act all, smug and great. As if driving a really big discusting smelly green world polluting car will have some intelligent and famous higher power effect on you. When it should have the complete oposite. I belive that ruining the world is a problem, and that 4x4's should only be used on farms in the country, and people who drive them in the city that think they are 'cool', should try getting a propper car, because some normal cars are actually not gay. Also they should try riding the bus for once. Honestly, 4x4's are useless(in the city). They dont help anyone(in the city/town), they cause more pain than they do good(in the city/town) and they look rubbish. If you do own a 4x4, im terribly sorry BUT I HATE YOUR CAR! Some people need to think about their environment and get an energy saving car. I cant name any of the top of my head, but they do exsist! It may also save you alot of money, like petrol for example.

Im hungry, I might go raid the cupboard, we have no food, but raiding it will be fun...